Monday, May 21, 2007

So I've found

So I've found that I'm very giving, direct, straightforward, no BS (excuse my bad language) and so on and so forth. Because of this seeming wrong I've walked into hurtful situations. I've also noticed that I'm pretty laconic when presenting my thoughts on paper. That's for another day anyway.

My head just gets so twisted up when I meet people who say things but don't mean them, or are just plain mean. And this coming from the highly suspicious, extremely observant one who hardly believes anyone (at least I tell myself that but I really don't). I wonder why, why am I the one to jam these people on the way to their messing up someone else's day, week, year, life? Why me, who is just sweet, knows what she wants, is loving, I mean I'll go out of my way for someone I love. But its thrown in my face like a pack of soggy cards, like some day-old quaker oats (which I detest by the way, if its not garri, it cannot be garri, but that's for yet another day).

How the hell do I get out of this? How for goodness sake can I keep my heart under wraps and not care about anyone else? How do I erase this "nature" from my moral fiber and say "forget the rest of the world?" HOW?????? Tears even fail me at this point. Have you ever felt the need to hold onto yourself and you see yourself slipping into nothingness? Try moving away from home.

I went off on a tangent there but maybe I need to do this more often. Ranting from time to time helps things get clearer, and develop a plan of action....yeah right, my inner "whutevuh" sneers at me.

Oh well, as usual I'm not finishing this up. I prefer to do it in my brain, or if a deadline is staring me in the face. Yeah I love that adrenaline rush, and the consequent feeling of satisfaction. Us over-achiever types thrive on that kind of lifestyle. Oh well, Adios.

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